It has been my first post after 17th days of February. I have been too busy with stuff like birthday party, my online shop promotion, got trapped in flood disaster at Jakarta, and my job in office. I need quite surroundings to write my blog post unfortunately I can not get it in 17 first day of February. Finally today , I had a chance to write about February yes about what I learn and feel in this month.   


Time goes by and yesterday I am officially turning 27 years old. According to Angel Shelton, this period is called as Saturn Return.

Wikipedia says about Saturn Return:

It is believed by astrologers that, as Saturn “returns” to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. With the first Saturn return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. With the second return, maturity. And with the third and usually final return, a person enters wise old age. These periods are estimated to occur at roughly the ages of 28-30, 56-60 and 84-90. A fourth return occurs for only a few people, at age 114-118.

What it means to me?
 People say that I am going to feel chaotic, like everything is being uprooted, but that’s a good thing! It started at age 27 for me and by 29 I will be in an entirely new phase of my life. I had plan to continue my study through applying  a scholarship but today the committee tell me that they decided to not take my application further. They really had my heart break.

My mind wanders to the lines of Anne of Green Gables 's quote :

“You're not eating anything," said Marilla sharply, eying her as if it were a serious shortcoming. Anne sighed.

I can't. I'm in the depths of despair. Can you eat when
you are in the depths of despair?"

I've never been in the depths of despair, so I can't say," responded Marilla.

Weren't you? Well, did you ever try to IMAGINE you were in
the depths of despair?"

No, I didn't."

Then I don't think you can understand what it's like. It's very uncomfortable a feeling indeed.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

To be worsen my husband responded that I have to left my job and moving outside Jakarta to raise the children. I feel so sad because I have no good choice about my life. I can not always keep my job because I have no career. Maybe I have an enough salary but still I can not grow in there. Being a house wife is not an easy one, I have no experience in cooking and raising children and I also have to leave the big city. I can imagine how I will spend my day in home everyday due to there is no transportation in there. All I can do is dreaming about continue my study where I will be permitted by my husband to life in big city and I can grow. I wish I had that chance in my 27.

Source

What it feels to me?
I feel so unlucky. I feel like I had to accept that I am not that special.  I remember how I have late to finish my study due to my first pregnancy. I also failed in one of subject so I can not reach my cum laude. The second pregnancy is not planned and I got another baby girl again. I really wish that I have a baby boy but I'm not that lucky. Now my scholarship is not proceeded further. I also have job but not career. I just not satisfied that my life just that ordinary. You might think that I am not grateful but I think is okay sometimes to express your disappointment when your life just do not well as your planned. I need a time to understand that maybe God has a best plan and it is should be better than my plan. Believe me, I am kind a person that not easy to give up. 

then I remember one of  the lines in Anne of Green Gables book :

 “I've done my best, and I begin to understand what is meant by 'the joy of strife'. Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

 I try to apply scholarship again this year! I will not give up!